DJ customer service training manual.
As part of your nightly duties we understand that customers will approach you a number of times with requests or observations.
So that you are able to treat them fairly and in the most efficient and timely manner, we have created a short training manual, outlining suitable and acceptable answers to the most frequently asked questions.
We hope this manual will help you develop greater relationships with your audience and provide a successful platform for ongoing accomplishments.
Questions and Answers – Module 1.0
Are you the DJ?
Actually no I am not sorry, the DJ has been suffering from acute bowel dysfunction and sadly died earlier this evening. I am just looking after this area of the venue until we close.
Can you play something with a beat?
Although I really welcome the specifics of your request and the detail you provided, I sadly can’t. Tonight as I was leaving the house, all I had time to bring was The 100 Hits of Oboe.
Can I have a look what you’ve got?
Sure no problem, step this way. Be my guest, my records are in this box here and my CD’s are in this wallet. Now, there is also this, which is called Serato which is where I keep most of my music, don’t worry, I will show you how to work it. Would you like me to get you a chair and a selection of pastries?
No-one likes this music
The existence of ESP and other paranormal powers such as psychokinesis, are disputed, though systematic experimental research on these subjects, known collectively as psi, has been ongoing for over a century in a field known as parapsychology, I recently wrote a paper on the existence of this phenomenon and I have been approached by Channel 4 who are filming a documentary on this next week, would you be willing to be interviewed as I think they will be interested to report your ability to collectively receive collective extrasensory messages?
Have you got any decent music?
Well, I do carry quite a lot of 19th century French accordion-based pieces and some Dub-phonic Clap but my main specialist is mainly Lithuanian folk. Would you like to suggest a piece?
Can you play this song please – as we are going in a minute?
I understand your requirements fully and it is important for me to deliver sensibly to meet your expectations. If you take a look at my contract here, clause 7b actually states that it is my job to play music for people leaving; of course I therefore appreciate your help in the fulfillment of my obligations.
Would you mind waiting for 90 seconds for this song to finish, or would you prefer I just stop this one now and play your song?
If you do decide that it is acceptable for you to wait this short time, I would naturally be very happy to meet any financial disbursements you might incur.
You are shit.
Oh hello there, what an scholarly opening gambit. Thank you for your input. We will be holding an annual company meeting next Thursday, I was wondering if you might be able to attend to add your creative suggestions, 2pm ok?
If you play this everyone will dance.
I am not entirely sure I can help you. I was under the impression my job was to ensure that people leave or spend most of the night sat down. I do appreciate your advice though as it does seem to make sense. I will check with the management and see if dancing is permitted here. My only concern with this dancing concept you speak of is what happens after they begin to dance? Do you have an idea as to what I should do then? Do I have to do anything else? Should I clap? How will I know if they are dancing? What is the best number to reach you on?
Can I plug my iPhone in; I want to play a song?
What an amazing suggestion. Thank you ever so much for your offer of help. Do you work in the music industry? You do look pretty high profile. I suspect you have music that there is no way I would be able to get. These days I’ll be honest, us DJs kind of rely on you trend setters like you to help us along. I know you seem busy and probably have a very active social calendar judging by your clothes, but would you consider the option of maybe taking over from me here as resident DJ?
Can you liven it up a bit now?
Oh, most certainly, thank you for the scoop. You are quite right, thank heavens for that. There was I thinking I might wait until there were more than 4 people here, but now, thanks to you, I am able to see what a silly idea that was. Might it be OK for me to write you a thank you letter some time?
So what are we playing tonight then?
I am so glad you asked me that, as a matter of fact have actually prepared a document outlining tonight’s full playlist and music strategy. I have taken the liberty to feature a spider diagram illustrating the various music choices and directions that I may or may not take in relation to audience reactions and emotional influences. Because you used the word “WE” I am assuming you will be doing the night with me and so perhaps we could sit down somewhere and go through my proposal to see what you think?”
Call yourself a DJ
Sometimes I do, normally only at weekends though, I work at a call center during the week, so at those times I call myself a call centre operator, my Mum calls me Son, as does my Dad but then as a curve ball my daughter calls me Dad. I did think about calling myself an Astronaut but that didn’t help me get any club bookings. What should I call you? Cunt?
This completes Module 1.0 – Module 2.0 involves communicating with customers under the influence of horse tranquillizer. Feel free to comment should you wish to add or make suggested amendments to this manual before it is passed to government.
If you are a DJ and would like to be a radio presenter, hide in a studio and never again have to speak to a customer who smells of sick, you may read this book. Walking on Air.